“Year
number two was probably harder for me than year number one because I started to
know what I now knew.” Ben Gilpin, Michigan Principal
Ben Gilpin’s words
have never been truer. My second year of teaching was unlike anything from my
first year. Last summer I moved 24 hours away from my friends and family in
Nebraska to accept a 4th grade position at a wonderful public school
in central Florida. My honeymoon arrival would be short-lived as I experienced
trial after trial: the principal who hired me transferred, our school was rated
a D for the third straight year, Hurricane Irma swept in, bugs invaded all
cracks of my apartment, and my heart started to swell with pain.
At school the
pressure of keeping my job and helping the school improve our school grade took
its toll. Mid year, I switched from being our reading teacher to being our math
teacher, which I gladly accepted. At one point, I met my Assistant Principal for
breakfast to brainstorm ideas and strategies. I continued to dress up in characters
and transformed my room. None of seemed to work as our assessments continued to
slow minimal progress. Rumors started swirling. This was the not the teacher
they hired.
In my personal
life everything started to pile on top of me like the growing pile of clothes
at my apartment. I stopped contacting my parents. I stayed off Twitter, keeping
my PLN at bay. My diet started consisting of pizza, tacos, and more pizza. I
slept on the floor for months. My heart started to arch, and my breathing was
slowing down. I started worrying if I was going to wake up tomorrow. No one
texted me. I was alone.
I don’t share my
school and personal life to ask for sympathy, but rather to share it to hold
myself accountable and growth. I had the answers in me. I typically have a
happy-go-lucky optimistic personality and mindset. This time that mindset
vanished. Instead I waited on things to change. I told myself things will change…when
the school the year ends…when I move to my new apartment… when I get this and
that…
You can’t keep
waiting on change. You have to choose to change. Don’t wait until ____________
happens. It’ll likely never happen. Reach out. Do something different. You will
waste your time and effort doing nothing if you keep waiting. Driving my Mustang
to places unknown to me was my release. Splurging on Amazon for myself was also
helpful. Better yet, write yourself a
note and post it somewhere you’ll see it everyday: mirror, laptop, etc. Repeat
the phrase and BELIEVE IT.
It’s easier said than done right? I understand
and it’s a constant battle for some of us. For 8 hours a day in front of 65
kids I was a goofy, crazy, cheerful teacher, until I was alone. I didn’t accept
compliments or believe what I was doing was working. My depression would set in
and anyone trying to talk to me knew they were better off talking to a wall. I
blocked it all out and chose to be alone.
It’s not going to
be easy. It might not happen for quite awhile. You might see hours of sunshine,
then days, weeks, MONTHS of rain. But don’t lose hope. You are stronger than
this. You can overcome this. Share your story. You’ll be surprised who’s going
through similar obstacles, as I found out. If you’re not happy where your mentality
is, make the change TODAY!
Love the raw honesty and transparency my friend! You've got this!
ReplyDeleteWell said Jordan, well said.
ReplyDeleteDid I mention you were my class's favorite teacher? You set the standard high. From field trips to passing in the hall to high fives to kind words exchanged. They adored the attention you shared with us daily. Your personality lifted their spirits. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI know that my story is different. However, I have had my share of down moments as well where I felt alone. This past year was my 10th overall. It was my first teaching 5th grade after spending 9 years in 4th in the same district. During my 9th year teaching 4th grade, I came to the realization that I needed to break away from my fellow 4th grade teachers. I decided to draw my own line in the sand and told myself that enough was enough. In previous years, I had allowed myself to get caught up too much in stuff that doesn't matter. I had heard too much complaining and bringing people down. It was one of my hardest years and yet also one of my best. It was hard because I did feel alone. I had to keep my distance so I could focus on what was important. However, because I broke away, I began to get back to how I envisioned myself as a teacher when I first decided to teach. I focused on my students, started eating lunch with them in the cafeteria, and tried out new strategies without worrying about what others were doing or what they thought. Unfortunately, I didn't make this realization until the last two years in 4th grade. I did finally make a change by moving to 5th grade and a different school within the district. Although I wish I had made a significant change sooner, I remind myself that at least I did make the change. Moving forward, I am focused on improving, growing, and evolving as an educator and as a person. I am not going to allow others to bring me down again. Nor will I lose my focus. Many of us have moments when we feel alone, question ourselves, and feel down. We must pick ourselves back up, remember why we teach, and make sure that we do whatever it takes to make learning and school an amazing experience for our students. Thanks for your honesty and for what you do for your students each and every day. Sorry for the lengthy comment. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Jason! You changed being alone into something powerful for you! That's inspiring!
DeleteI have always hated the second year (I’m currently in my second year teaching pottery for Kids at College and I still feel the same way about second years). But you know what comes next? Your third year. And that’s when things start to get better. You’ve learned from your mistakes, you’ve found things that work and you have a better sense of belonging. Having gone through several “second years” I can tell you, reflect on the past, grow from it, but don’t live in it. You are loved and adored!
ReplyDeleteJordan, that is a powerful share! Your vulnerability is there for everyone to see. My hope for you is that you find growth in sharing and then focus on being the best version of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that powerful post! Your reflection and being real with yourself is going to lead to some great personal growth. Continue to fight the good fight!
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